There are two things people say to me that irritate me:
1. When I mention I’m an introvert and they say:
“What? No way! You’re so chatty.”
To begin, it is referred to as having social skills. Second, being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy or unable to strike up a conversation. I enjoy talking with others. I enjoy hearing their stories. However, after spending time with people, I require some alone time to reflect and recharge my batteries. That’s it.
2. When I mention that I suffer from anxiety and depression, they respond:
“What? No way! You’re so active, happy and organised! You get up early for the gym and participate in so many ‘after work’ activities.”
Let’s start with the fact, that not all anxiety and depression are the same. I have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) which means I’m constantly worried, and it’s unclear what causes my anxiety (it can be almost anything).
High-functioning depression
My depression, in other words, can be called high-functioning depression because I’m still able to function normally, most of the time. You’d never know unless you spent more time with me. As I mentioned before, I have social skills and know how to talk with others. I can also pretend to be happy while hiding my sadness (it can be helpful in certain situations because of the stigma that still exists around mental health).
My depression has worsened in recent months. I’m not as functional as I used to be. I’m finding it more difficult to socialise and pretend. It’s more difficult to focus at work and find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Final thoughts
In conclusion, I’m not sure why I’m depressed. I’m not sure if it’s chemical imbalance or accumulation of some past experiences. Toxic shame has undoubtedly played a significant role in this. After all, depression is now part of my life, and I must learn how to live with it. Even if it means spending some days in bed.
It’s hard and exhausting. The worst part is feeling guilty about having depression because “other people have it worse” or because “I have nothing to be depressed about”.
Guilt is a common emotion associated with depression, but it can be difficult to accept that it is not your fault that you are experiencing this condition and that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Here’s my new mantra:
“My emotions are valid. I have every right to experience any emotion I want. I am not being dramating or overreacting. I’m feeling, and that’s okay.”
Lots of love
Simona xx
